“When they ask me if am okay…

With a smile and a high-pitched voice, I nod happily and say yes!”

To the victims who do not like being labelled as such because that will be admitting that it actually happened

To the survivors who do not feel like they conquered anything because they still cannot stomach the touch from them, cannot love the reflection in the mirror

To the strong ones who can still love and care with their broken souls

We are not alone, we got each other, we care…

Self - Hate

An inevitable reality for someone like me

Self-forgiveness nonexistent as it is...

It is a disease that slowly consumes you

Leaves nothing but an empty shell of who you used to be

It was my fault

It hurts when you hesitated

When you questioned me like I was to blame

It hurts when you did not believe me

When you took my pain and made it yours, tossing me aside...

Made it yours so I was the one apologising, apologising for “letting” it happen

Apologising and hoping you heal from the scars marring my body

It hurts when you did not reply

When you were silent

for a week, all I did was pray that you'd forgive me

for what he did

It hurts knowing that I felt responsible for “letting” him take what was yours

It hurts that I actually believe your silence,

mistrust and ownership of my body is valid

It hurts knowing that I still love you

That I still blame myself

That I cannot forgive myself

Because what he did took you away from me

Months later…

Months later and I still blame myself

Therapy, conversations with HIM, my friends, family

Have done nothing but cover up the pain

Marinated it with your, “It will be oks”, “you are stronger than this”

Months later I still hate myself

Keeping myself busy and pretending to have done nothing

But make me miss the sharp relief the blades offer

Months later… I still break down at random times

asking myself why? disgusted with myself, regretting every decision I made that day

loathing my own skin, repulsed by the reflection I see on the mirror

Months later… and it still feels like it was yesterday

IT

I cannot even bring myself to write about it

Let alone talk about it

“It was an out of the body experience”

I tell myself every day,

“It did not happen to me”

I reassure myself

And then he; with his rough hands, deep voice,

that thing between his legs breathes down my neck

kisses me, touches me…

I stay still and tell myself to breath

To take it all because I'm in control, I can do this!

I travel to that place where I feel nothing

A place where the strong girl I used to be resides

I take control and “enjoy” the moment

For a few seconds, minutes… it is bearable

Then she takes over, broken and scared

with memories, I tell myself she made up

And I crumble, remembering, flashbacks…

My body freezes

The no's stuck in my throat because the last I shouted them

he ignored, they seemed to fuel him… so I stay still, hoping my stillness does the opposite

“Stop!” I whisper to myself, hoping he magically gets out of this sex hazed cloud

That he listens to my body language, that he sees the tears threatening to escape my eyes

His deep voice, rough hands, that thing between his legs...

I shudder, hoping at least he finishes quick

I die a little more inside

Blame, shame and disgust my coffin

Healing (with time)

Time is nothing but clocks ticking

Hourglasses moving soil

The rising and falling of the sun

Day and night...

What the hell does it have to do with my broken self?

With every waking, I pray it be the day

The day time finally delivers and I heal

But each day is a disappointment,

Leaving me as it found me...

confused, broken, empty, numb, sad and angry

One more try

I want to give myself another chance

A chance at love, happiness, at having a family

But the ghosts of my past keep me locked down

Unable to move on, away from them

Moving on feels like a betrayal.

Trapped Air

I wonder how air feels, trapped in an empty box

Does she feel free in the confinements

Or has she become comfortable with the darkness and the corners

Moving from one to the other blindly

No worries about the “what if I just peak outside...”

I wonder how air sees, trapped in an empty box

Does she have other senses to make sense of her environment

Can she see the roughness of the box through her whispers against the walls

Can she smell the emptiness of her home

Or ignorance is indeed bliss?

I wonder if the air knows her potential

I wonder if she knows she can be a sweet breeze

cooling the hush burn from the sun

I wonder if she knows she can be a raging hurricane

destroying everything in her path

I wonder if she thinks she has reached her peak

that moving around randomly is all she is capable of

I wonder if she knows if she blows, moves just a little faster

she can shake the walls of her confinements

I wonder if she knows that a little push against the roof

will set her free

I wonder if she knows there is a world out there for her to explore

I wonder if she knows that she is more than just trapped air

Tlamelo Makati is a mechatronics engineering graduate from Botswana. She is the co-organizer of Women in Machine Learning and Data Science Gaborone and GDG Gaborone, and also WomenTechMakers Gaborone. She aspires to be a research engineer in the fields of artificial intelligence and her love for technology has been inspired by the “How to Build a Better Boy” movie, and she has a passion for writing.

Tlamelo believes in the existence of the paranormal world including aliens, fae and vampires. She would choose clear skies and the moon over stars and sunsets or sunrises